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3 Types of Kids: Boundary seekers, keepers and defeaters
-Claire’s Blog
I used to find this awfully difficult to believe as my son was nothing like that! We called him Tiger as a toddler, because that’s how he behaved. He ran everywhere, climbed everything, explored every unknown… he was a busy boy! It was when my second child turned 1 that I realised she’s so different to my son.
In fact, she was a lot like my older sister. I remember when I used to take them shopping with me, my boy would climb the trolley like he would a jungle gym, charm all the young shoppers with his glee and irritate the old ones with his wildness – seeming to them as a purely naughty child.
My daughter, however, would delight all the grannies with her princess-like poise as she sat contently in the kiddy seat of the trolley. When my third baby became a toddler she seemed much the same as my second. It was as she got older that I noticed how my son’s wildness began to rattle her, but I couldn’t put my finger on why being ‘wild’ unsettled her so much. My first daughter wasn’t phased by him at all. Was it a personality clash perhaps?
Perhaps they are actually so alike… yet they are so different. Mini World War III began to take place in my house as they got older, and I noticed it never involved my middle child – as always, she kept to herself. Most fights between the oldest and the youngest were based on who’s obeying and disobeying… and why my son was always breaking the rules. It was only recently, when describing my children to someone, that I realised exactly what was going on. Perhaps I now understand. This is a boundary situation.
We know that children need boundaries and that it makes them feel secure, but we don’t always consider that they each may respond differently to the boundaries. We either think, “good child”, when we receive utter compliance or, “naughty child” when the boundary is ignored.
Boundary Seekers
However, I have reason to believe firstly that there are 3 categories, and not just 2, and secondly that the issue is with the
boundary and not the child. I reckon that there are those who, like my older sister and now my second daughter, are what I call ‘Boundary Seekers’. They would ask, “Where is the boundary?” and then say, “If I keep a significant distance between myself and that boundary, I will be safe.” And so they do just that.
This kind may only push on the boundaries to test if they are still there, but they are mostly happy to stay put. It is highly unlikely that they would be comfortable taking a risk. They will probably obey almost immediately.
Boundary Keepers
These, I think, believe their role in life is to be the guardian of the boundary. It’s almost as if my daughter (the third child) would lay herself over the boundary and challenge anyone who so much as approaches the boundary with a potential civil war because boundaries are there for a reason and need to be protected. These kind don’t cope when rules are broken and cheating takes place.
They pride themselves in fairness and get upset when they see people breaking the law. They possibly take it on themselves to go around policing the household and will be the first to notice when the rules have been relaxed or there has been a breach.
Then there is the category that keeps us on our toes as parents, the ‘Boundary Defeaters’. Just like my son, these are the tigers of the world. The go-getters and pioneers, fearless and headstrong. This kind of person only has eyes for what lies way outside the boundary. They will scale the boundary and run a mile and then ask, “Was that the boundary back there?”. Fortunately we owe it to these for our discovery of the world and technology, medicine and new species of animals, to mention a few.
Revolutionised parenting
Discovering that there are boundary seekers, keepers and defeaters has totally revolutionised my parenting. Books have been written about boundaries and how important they are for us to thrive individually and as a community – worth the read.
Never move the boundary
There are some strategies I have learnt on my boundary discovery journey that I believe may help you too. I must preface these strategies with the imperatives, though. First one being announce, re-announce but never renounce the boundary! The success of the boundary lies in the fact that it doesn’t move. It can’t be here today, and there tomorrow. This causes anxiety and insecurity for all three types of children. It takes quite a bit of energy on our part, as parents or guardians, to be consistent.
Make realistic boundaries
This leads to the second imperative – that we make sure our boundaries are realistic for both us as parents and our kids. Lastly, I’d suggest that our boundaries represent a form of moral that is beneficial to society, the big ones being with regard to violence, vandalism and defiance.
So, for the Boundary Seeker:
1. Mention the boundaries from time to time – this child appreciates the assur- ance that they are still there.
2. Forewarn a change in the boundary.
For the Boundary Keeper:
1. Re-announce the boundaries often – this child needs to know they are still there and haven’t changed.
2. Forewarn a change in the boundary and forewarn again before the change. Change may cause anxiety.
3. The more secure the boundary, the less they will strive to protect it.
4. Be the guardian of the boundary instead of the child; no-one likes a snitch.
For the Boundary Defeater:
1. Some boundaries need to be like brick walls – when they run into them they come off worse. This is for their own safety. These boundaries protect their health and well-being, the health and well-being of others and the tra- jectory of their futures.
2. Not every boundary is a brick wall, there need to be window-like bound- aries that they can see through or choose to ignore and the conse- quence of their choices will be their judge. These kids are adventurers and need an age appropriate freedom to safely explore. The safeguard is that when they feel insecure they know where the boundary is and they can return to it for safety.
One could write a book on the different scenarios, requiring different boundaries and responses, and what they are. Whatever your challenge may be, don’t get weary of being Boundary Builders, Boundary Restorers and Boundary Guardians – the fruit of which will be children who thrive.
