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Am I spending enough time with my child?
– Claire’s Blog ©
My first child was an intense lesson in the lecture hall of life and parenting. The problem was that even though I felt a bit like I was floundering. I couldn’t find the tutoring lessons a good educational institution would normally provide to avoid failing. Well, maybe this was because I was looking in all the wrong places. Perhaps my approach was too much of that of a student in that I sought intellectual advice from all the books and experts when life actually has her own ways of helping you get things right.
David was all of 8 weeks old and life for everyone around me had gone back to normal, it was just me and this precious little one who just fed and slept the whole day. I was exhausted from lack of sleep and just going through the motions to satisfy my new baby.
My Gogo pointed out that I never spoke to my baby.
I had no idea that I had slipped into survival mode until an older, wiser friend,
a Gogo to be exact, pointed out that I never spoke to my baby. I was going
from day to day in silence and this little one never heard my voice. It sounded
absurd, but it was true! Somehow just being with my boy all day seemed like enough. This moment of learning showed me how imperative it is that wherever I am, I am present. It is possible to be absent when one is actually
present? Present in body but your mind is elsewhere.
Wherever you are, be present.
We can be with our children but not necessarily engage with them, but it’s as
good as not being there at all. This is not to say we need to talk all the time either. My daughter loves it when I take a nap on her bed while she does her homework or reads; somehow this she loves more than me being on my phone or laptop in another room. So I get that children spell love “T.I.M.E”. I get that this is not necessarily all my time, but quality engaging time has to overshadow the times of my absence.
The need for your child to feel that you are present in their life is undeniably a tall order, but irrefutably one of the highest privileges and priorities of a parent… and this takes time!
Each of our lives are made up of so many different circumstances and challenges, the factors that dictate to our everyday are each very different to one another and so it’s rather difficult to prescribe how time spent with your child should be. My nearly 15 years in that lecture hall of life and parenting has handed me a few nuggets as guidelines and inspiration, though, and I so I’ll share a few.
Firstly, each child needs a bridge of communication, between themselves and the individual parent, that they can cross safely at anytime they feel it necessary.
This bridge hinges on trust and availability. The child needs to know that you
are accessible when they need you. Building this bridge takes time. It starts from young, with the “how was your day” conversation that must happen each day. This is around the dinner table, in the car on the way home or even before bed. At this point they often say it was “fine”. Probing questions about who and what and how it made them feel teach them to reach into their minds and hearts to communicate what they experience and their emotions. This exercise turns into deep moments when they are older when principles and values are being taught. Eventually, these moments will be the net that catches them when they fall. It is important that those little conversations have your full attention and that your response is calm. This is not the time
for judgement or scolding in order to ensure that trust is established.
Secondly, time spent with your child is most valuable when it either involves them or when it is doing something they love to do.
If you have to fix the washing machine or mend the clothes and they want to be with you, include them. Employ them to hold the tools. Don’t forget to play with them! Little ‘dates’ here and there are a winner, too. I used to pack a picnic lunch every Wednesday when my one child was at a loose end while the others had extra-murals. We’d go to the park for those 20 minutes. She refers to those times regularly even though it was 5 or so years ago.
Whatever your strategy, here’s something to keep in mind when spending time with your child:
T – Tune in.
Be present in body and mind!
I – Interpret the moment.
Different moments require different responses. This may be a moment
to listen, or play, or laugh. (We do forget to find their joke funny
sometimes).
M – Memories.
Make the moment memorable.
E – End.
End the time well. This can take effort. Try not to end with a reprimand or “I’ve got other things to do”, but rather an expression of love.
Time is one thing money cannot buy and it cannot be replaced. It is our most valuable and most under-used currency. It matters to your children, how you spend your time. Spend your most valuable currency where you’ll get the biggest return… spend time on your kids!
