Articles
The Emotional Roller Coaster…
With the year winding to a close so fast that its making our heads spin, we can sit here and think of a very long list of emotions that we are feeling right now at this moment in time.
Most of us go through days, weeks and even months, so busy with work, school, home-work and all the other craziness of life that we don’t even think about emotions, but they are there all the time. Some of us handle our emotions so much better than others. If you have ever been to therapy, for whatever reason, you mayhave found yourself getting annoyed with the therapist for asking “So how does that make you feel?” The question infuriates many of us as we don’t know how to answer it… we have never been taught to identify, think about, and express our emotions, let alone how to get them into perspective or under control. So let us take a look at how we can correct this and instil this very important social tool in our children.
Once you start thinking about it and being intentional about it, you’ll find that
most children tend to pick these things up naturally. They learn by watching how others respond and then they mimic that behaviour. So often our children become little ‘mini-me’s’ behaving exactly like we do. So be careful that they copy the good stuff and let them know when you have behaved ‘badly’. As good parents we need to model, teach, and encourage them to practice healthy emotional responses to everyday situations and events! Helping our children to express their feelings and handle difficult situations with calm thoughtfulness is one of the most important lessons we will ever have the privilege of teaching them.
Put a name or identity to an emotion.
Children should be taught the language necessary to label and identify the different emotions they may experience. The reason is, we need to let them know that feeling different emotions is normal. By giving them the vocabulary needed to describe how they’re feeling, you are encouraging them to express themselves productively. For example, you could say, “Mommy has to go to work, and you are sad to say goodbye”, “You were angry that your brother took your toy out of your room” or “Does it frustrate you that you are not able to get the lego blocks apart?”
Just talk about it.
The best way to teach your children to express their feelings is to set a good example yourself. Start by talking about your own feelings and describe how to best express those feelings. We all have our bad moments, no-one is perfect. Allow your children to learn from your mistakes, but don’t just let them go unchecked because they will start behaving like that. Tell them something like “I am so sorry that I reacted like that, I got angry and instead of explaining to you why I was angry, I shouted at you, and that was not good. Please forgive me and let’s talk about why I was angry with you.”
Recognising body language and facial expression.
Children need to learn how to identify their own emotions, as well as others’.
One way to do this is by learning to pay attention to their own body signals, such as a frown and queasy stomach when nervous, or balled fists and tight
shoulders when angry. Once they can recognize it in themselves, they can pick up on facial expressions and body language of others and then learn to
react accordingly. Maybe have a little game of charades where each member
of the family gets a turn to express an emotion without words and the others
need to identify what they are feeling. Below are some great examples of
emotion images. Provide a visual reference for them to use. A visual display
helps children to recognize and identify how they are feeling.
Try playing with emotion.
One fun way to introduce, teach, and practice the names of emotions is to play an engaging game with your children, such as emoji card games, snap emoji … there are so many available online, just do a little ‘googleing’.
How does that make you feel?
To learn how to express their feelings appropriately, children need to be taught how to use “I feel…” statements. Instead of screaming insults at another child who broke his crayon, little Johnny can say “I feel sad that you broke my crayon”, opening up the communication between the two students. This teaches and allows for healthy conflict resolution.
Deal with extreme emotions.
Sometimes we must step in and help kids deal with the emotional roller coasters they sometimes find themselves on. Their extreme emotions get out of control and they need help finding their way back to calmness. They must understand that it’s ok to be emotional. They learn to embrace their emotional state by realising that it is normal and ok to feel the way they do.
It’s our job to give them opportunities to label their feelings correctly. Emotional memory is strong! Help them become emotionally intelligent people. Don’t punish too quickly – try to use the opportunity to help them understand why they are behaving like this and how they should rather behave. Discipline methods such as spankings, time outs, giving consequences and shaming are often used to correct children’s is behaviours, but while there is a place for this, these do nothing to help them deal with their emotions. By resorting to these methods, children get the message that their “bad” emotions are to be blamed for their misbehaviours. As a result, they try to bottle their emotions until they get to a point where it “overflows” one day through a meltdown episode. Instead of using punishment, rather help your child to identify, process and manage their emotions in positive ways. This requires you to be consistent and intentional about it. You should do that until they are able to handle it all by themselves. Leading through good example can include speaking in an appropriate tone of voice and not yelling.
Write it down!
Encouraging children to journal about their feelings is helpful as they get a
little older. They express their feelings by writing about learning tasks, field trips, sport matches or school events. Journaling also helps to improve handwriting, spelling, vocabulary, and of course writing skills.
Sort out the feelings.
Have your child sort out pictures of people expressing different emotions.
By doing so, they will gain practice recognizing facial expressions and body language and therefore feel more confident understanding their own and
others’ feelings. Again great resources are available online. Google it!
Encourage positivity.
A negative spiral can consume quite quickly. Positive and encouraging selftalk will help your child succeed, and create a more positive home and school environment overall. For example, you can teach them ways to feel good and focus on positivity.
Give praises to your children whenever they talk about their feelings. This brings across the message that they did the right thing and that you are proud of them for reaching out to you and talk about feelings.Children should know that it is perfectly fine to express what we feel. They should also be given ample opportunities to respond to their feelings in appropriate ways.
You can play your part in this aspect by practising strategies that will help your children to express their emotions in various situations. For example, you can talk about feelings and coping strategies during dinner, a play date or while grocery shopping. Through the series of events that unfold in each situation, there will be opportunities for your children to express and deal with their feelings when interacting with others. The more your children get to do this, the faster they will learn to regulate their emotions independently.
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We often only think of teaching common emotions like happy, sad, angry, calm, confused etc. But there are many other feeling words that children should learn to express, such as:
• Brave • Cheerful • Bored • Tense • Surprised • Curious • Proud • Frustrated • Embarrassed • Silly • Excited • Disappointed • Fantastic • Uncomfortable •
Worried • Friendly • Stubborn • Generous • Shy • Ignored • Satisfied • Impatient • Safe • Important • Relieved • Interested • Peaceful • Jealous • Overwhelmed • Lonely • Loving • Confused
Here are some references. There really are many good articles on this subject
and loads of great resources to help you to help your children grow into emotionally intelligent, well balanced adults!
https://proudtobeprimary.com/emotionsfor-kids
https://www.mindchamps.org/blog/helpchildren-identify-express-emotions/
https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/learn-to-identify-your-emotions/
