ARTICLE
What can I expect from my child?
(age-appropriate responsibility)
Claire’s Blog
As a young mom I was desperate to teachmy children excellent values from almost as early as when they were still foetuses. I determined that my kids would be the best
kids ever! Having very little wisdom to draw from my own experience (being not much
more than a foetus myself), I desperately grasped onto legendary, society changing,
history-making quotes to try and shape my children’s morals. “Sharing is caring”,
said by the iconic, trail blazing, Big Purple Dinosaur, Barney, is one of the most wellknown and well used quotes in the 21st century (judging purely on how much I
used it). Hundreds and thousands of moms have made it through a potential war
peaceably by the power of these words – I am convinced!
“I used Spider-Man as the example”
“With great power comes great responsibility”
By the words of the infamous Spider-Man, “With great power comes great responsibility”, I have navigated the deep and treacherous waters of tidy-up time and taking care of one’s belongings. Taking ownership as well as owning up, learning tbe trustworthy and reliable, were easily conveyed when Spider-Man was the example.
These are not principles easily learned, however. Are we the only ones, my husband and I, who would often get so frustrated with the kids not ‘listening’? Statements (not questions!) like, “how many times must I tell you”, and, “when will you learn” would come out of our mouths before we even thought about what we were sayin.
“Kids aren’t born previously programmed”
The reality, as devastating as it was to discover, is that the kids weren’t born
previously programmed to know and obey our every command. Even less to retain that information and apply it to the next appropriate situation. They also have not been designed to naturally take responsibility, be it for inanimate objects or for living things like pets and siblings. No, they need
training. Settling this reality is quite freeing. We often have to encourage ourselves with what training actually means, though: it means teaching them to do something again and again, hoping that by the time their brains are fully formed at 21 they would have learned something.
“Knowing what to expect from my child brought some liberty”
Knowing what is fair to expect physically from my child at their age also brought some liberty. Even knowing what can be expected as age-appropriate behaviour was good news to me. The secret is, if you can just get it right to be consistent, your foundations for great humans should be well laid by the time
they turn into selfish teenagers and your influence doesn’t matter as much to
them anymore.
“What I cannot expect from my child, at any age, is to be the parent!”
Children should be taught to love and care for their siblings, taught or trained to be mindful of them and their safety, but never responsible for their actions or their safety. What a weighty burden to bear as an adult, never mind as a child. Children can be taught and expected to be responsible for their own actions, and mindful of their own safety, but never responsible for their own
safety until they are much older.
Some of the areas, where I have discovered age-appropriate responsibility is imperative to keep in mind, are:
1) Task completion
From the time my boy could walk we taught him to make his bed. This is part of caring for yourself. Because he was so little, his efforts were almost unnoticeable. The only way we could tell he had actually made his bed was because his teddy was sitting upright on his pillow. The worst thing I could do was remake his bed, either nullifying his effort or communicating that his efforts were not good enough. Monkey-see-monkey-do is a great teaching strategy. First they watch me do it. We then do it together, and then they do it on their own, but best we be happy with the final outcome, based on just how old they are.
2) Problem solving
Encourage your children to come up with a solution to their problems. Even if you have to suggest a solution, the skill can be learnt from very young
3) Contentment versus self-gratification
Having to use what you have and make do is such a brilliant skill that will take them far. Learning to save towards something they want or to wait for it also teaches self-control. There are some things I cannot expect my toddler to be waiting all day for, but I can expect my teenager to.
4) Self-leadership and self-regulation
Children should be encouraged to name their feelings. Very little ones need to be taught what it is to be angry or happy. Pointing out the emotion of a character in a book or helping them by naming their feelings for them will teach them to identify how they are feeling. We then teach them what is an appropriate response to each feeling. Self-regulation is absolutely necessary for any person’s mental health and it is learnt through validating those feelings, once identified. My daughter hated pack -away time, it was overwhelming for her. She would throw the toys across the room. I quicky remembered to take every opportunity for teaching moments. “I see you are very frustrated”, I would say “but throwing our toys is not what we do when we are frustrated”, and so the lesson would go.
Other areas needing careful attention for what behaviour is age-appropriate are:
• Leading others versus being bossy
• Taking ownership for one’s actions
• Life skills like brushing teeth & bathing, putting their dishes in the sink
• Accountability
“The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.” – Denis Waitley
